Captain Winky
by Jigoku Hikari
Summary: Yachiru tells Squad 11 a tale about a certain redhead and a 69 man and what she caught them doing in an office.


**Summary:** Yachiru tells Squad 11 a tale about a certain redhead and 69 man and what she caught them doing in an office.

**Rated M** for sexual innuendo and crude humor.

**Word count:** 1,644

**Disclaimer:** Never shall I own any character used. They're all Tite Kubo's.

**Captain Winky**

"Mmm…"

Yachiru stopped in her tracks at the out of place noise. She glanced around Ninth Division headquarters, which she had been traversing around in sheer boredom, but she was sure everyone had gone home for the evening. Shrugging it off to be her imagination, she walked on, having a mind to leave and find someone to play with.

"Ah-!"

All right, now she was positive it wasn't her imagination. The voice that kept making weird sounds was definitely coming from a guy, and she's gotten closer to where it was coming from. Looking around, she noticed a few feet away to her right was a door left ajar, a crack of light peaking through and hitting the floor.

Her investigative skills kicked in, getting on her toes and carefully treading to the door.

"Shuu… Don't tease…"

… 69-kun? But who was the one making the funny noises? She made sure to approach silently, coming closer to the open door. Curiosity spiked, she leaned her head over enough to be able to see inside.

And her eyes bugged out, frozen on the spot, innocence smashing.

It was 69-kun's office, but Doodles was the one sitting on the side of his desk, and they were deeply attached at the lips. Papers and files littered the floor haphazardly, obviously having been hastily pushed off to make room. 69-kun was standing between Doodles' legs, hands on his hips. Both of their faces- from what she could see- were flushed. 69-kun had been in the process of pulling the redhead closer, their bodies against each other when she peaked in. When they parted, their expressions were strange and unseen before by the pink-haired lieutenant. They remained oblivious to their onlooker.

"Hmm…" Shuuhei hummed contently, his dark eyes half-lidded. "You're excited…"

Yachiru was suddenly confused; Doodles didn't look excited… He actually looked quite mellow.

Renji let go of Shuuhei only to slide open the brunette's haori. "Maybe you could help a guy out?" he asked so quietly, Yachiru could barely hear him. She failed to pick up how heavy his voice dripped with lust, having no idea what lust even was.

"I could…" said Shuuhei, bringing his arms out of the haori to let it fall about his waist, leaving his torso bare. A sinful smirk played about his lips as he leaned in to lick at Renji's neck. "Doesn't mean I will, though."

The tiny lieutenant leaned in a bit more so she could hear them better, intrigued.

A faint moan escaped from Renji, his head tipping back. Shuuhei all but buried his face there pressing closer. A hand blindly reached up, and the next instant a fiery red mane fell around them.

Yachiru was so puzzled. She stood transfixed, unable to look away as she tried to figure this behavior out. 69-kun and Doodles had just been kissing, and now they were doing weird things to each other, and Doodles kept making moan noises like he liked it… So… Did this mean they were together? Like, together together? She could've sworn it was supposed to be a boy and a girl together like that… She mentally gasped- they were breaking the rules! They were breaking the rule that had been a rule for forever! She had to tell someone-!

Things were heating up quickly now. They'd just ended their second session of sucking each other's faces. The tips of their noses were touching, staring at the other unflinchingly, panting. Renji's hands fumbled at Shuuhei's waist to untie his sash. "You seem to be having a problem…" the redhead said breathlessly.

Innocent magenta eyes widened, attention glued to the sash loosening, the haori that had been held captive there finally dropping to the floor. She then watched that hand begin to delve inside the brunette's hakama-

A vague memory suddenly came to mind. She couldn't remember how long ago it was- maybe a year or to… But she had asked Featherbrow what the name of the 'guy part' was. Now, what had he called it again…?

Her hand came up to cover her mouth so she wouldn't squeak in surprise at what she was witnessing.

"Ah-!" Shuuhei whispered, his head tossing back. His fingers tangled amongst crimson locks.

A wide smirk was on Renji's lips, half his forearm down the other shinigami's pants. "Found it," he said smugly.

Yachiru found she needed to lean against something for support, beginning to lose balance. Her toe gently tapped the door; the action itself was silent, but she had the luck of the door squeaking as it slowly opened wider.

The lovers froze, horrified attentions whipping toward the now wide open door. And there stood and equally frozen Eleventh Division lieutenant.

Her first instinct? Run.

Her small legs dashed out of Ninth Division headquarters, hoping Doodles and 69-kun weren't angry enough to run after her. And even if they did, she'd just turn it into a game of Tag, so it didn't really matter to her.

But the scene between Doodles and 69-kun was lasered into her memory. She wanted- needed- to somebody, or even several somebodies.

And as she ran toward Eleventh Division, her brain finally recalled what Featherbrow had told her, making her smile.

Next day. It was bright and early, the sun having risen not even an hour earlier, and half of Squad Eleven was already at their headquarters. There was a meeting scheduled to take place, and everyone was waiting for the others to arrive.

Ken-chan had told her to stay put and be at least semi-quiet. And as she was waiting patiently on her usual perch- Ken-chan's shoulder- it was becoming harder to do. She was beginning to fidget, restlessness kicking in. She half-heartedly watched Featherbrow and Baldy walk in.

Doodles was already there, leaning against the back wall. He hadn't looked at her once.

Baldy went over to talk to him; he seemed fine answering him…

"All right!" Yachiru announced. She leaped over to an empty table nearby, all attention called onto her from the outburst. "It's story time, people!"

She did want to tell several somebodies, after all.

"And today's story includes-!"

Doodles wasn't about to be very happy… Oh well!

"69-kun and Doodles!"

Those around Renji looked to him; his eyes had widened, beads of sweat already forming. He went to leave quickly, clearly aiming to run far far away and hide under a rock, but Ikkaku grabbed the back of his collar and jerked him back in place.

"Oh no," the bald one mumbled, "You're stayin' for this one."

Whispers went around, confirming she had also meant Shuuhei. Kenpachi cleared his throat.

A huge grin was on her face. "Okay! Once upon a time in Ninth Division headquarters, a cute little girl named Yachiru was wondering around looking for someone to play with. A guy named Ken-chan named her Yachiru a long long time ago when they first met, and she was named after someone he knew, I think… I don't remember… But that doesn't matter right now, so anyway! So Yachiru was wondering around Ninth Division, and no one was around 'cause everyone had gone home to be with their friends or pets and they wanted some time off work, so Yachiru was surprised to hear noises! And they were weird noises, too, like 'Mmm', 'Ahh!', and 'Don't tease, Shuu…'!

Renji's face practically blended in with his hair, very visibly sweating now. But no one was paying attention to him, focused on Yachiru with smirks on their lips and eager to know how this was going to end.

"So Yachiru snuck over to an open door and peeked inside to see what was causing the funny noises, and she saw it was 69-kun making Doodles make them all! Doodles was sitting on a desk and 69-kun was holding him there, and they were kissing! But then they stopped and were talking really quietly, and it was really hard for Yachiru to hear them, but they were saying something about 'being excited', but Yachiru didn't think either of them looked excited-"

Yumichika audibly snorted, busting a side to hold in his laughter.

"And then Doodles kissed 69-kun again for a long time, and that's when Yachiru thought that they were together together, which means that they were breaking one of the biggest rules in the whole universe, 'cause only a guy can kiss a girl like that. But they were kissing and that was really boring, and when they stopped, Doodles said that 69-kun was having a problem. Yachiru didn't see how he was having a problem, he looked fine to her, so she thought he was lying-"

Her audience was virtually shaking, silently laughing and holding themselves together to stay silent until the end.

"But then Doodles untied 69-kun's pants and stuck his hand inside and made 69-kun go 'Ah!'. So I think-"

An accusing finger instantly pointed at the dumbstruck Renji.

"HE FOUND CAPTAIN WINKY!"

The entire room burst into outrageous laughter, letting loose the hurricane they'd kept inside. Kenpachi's head was back, a hand covering his eyes lest he was reduced to tears, his laughing coming as hearty barks. Yumichika was facing the nearest wall and his arm extended to hold himself upright on it, having already laughed himself to tears and his left hand holding his side. Ikkaku wore a devious smirk as he chuckled, his expression clearly saying 'About time'." The rest of the squad was laughing themselves hoarse, also holding their cramps and wiping their eyes.

And poor Renji looked like he either wanted to cry or go find a dark corner to curl up in and die seven times over. Either would work… or both.

And Yachiru was grinning proudly, proud of herself for telling such a funny story- though she had no idea why it was so funny… Maybe she'd ask Ken-chan later.

**END**

A/N: This was inspired because I was reading a Renji/Ichigo yaoi, and on another tab I had Youtube up playing one of the "Kingdom Hearts Stupid Files" (Doesn't belong to me, and it's amazing funny). And it said "He found Captain Winky!"… So thus this was born.

Written 4-6 to 4-14-08, edited 2/28/12


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